I have a Funny Brother….

My brother says the funniest things.

Some years ago, when I was 16 and Samuel was 17 we were showing him around a perspective residential college, a residential further education college for students with special needs.

I was a sensitive teenager and pretty shy and socially awkward. I thought I looked cool and less of a socially terrified freak because that morning I had inserted an over-sized safety pin into my ear. By the time we reached the college my anxieties and my ear had been festering in the back of a car for four and a half hours. My ear was bright red and has ballooned to double it’s size. The very kind carers who were showing us around obviously noticed and, I swear, smirked as I removed the offending pin. In short, the already thought I was a dick and I really did not require any input from my brother dearest, but, as per usual he was only too eager to oblige.

We were walking along a corridor and my brother was being asked about his intrests, friends and family.

Brother; Yes, I like music and dancing and this here is my mum and my dad, my Dad is 49 and my mum is 47 and then there was this one time, at band camp blahblahblahblahblah

(carers make appropriate noises in gaps in his conversation)

Brother continues ‘ANNNNNNNNNND this here is my youngest sister, she is already 16 and she is a VIRGIN’

(carers look shocked and amused)

Me ‘…………………..’ (totally and utterly mortified)

‘…………..VEGAN!!! He means vegan!! I am not a virgin!! I mean, I am, I mean..no..I am a vegan, I do not eat animals..or, no…but virgin, but..sex..but but but

(pass me a goddamn spade!!!!!!!!)

Every one found this highly amusing and continues to bring it up to this day. I swear that it is some of the reason why I now happily tuck into bacon and slurp at milk.

Sometimes, however, my brother is just plain funny – although it doesn’t always registrar with him.

This evening is a good example. My Mum gave me a christmas card which had a picture of a dressed up punk dog in it with the words ‘Christmas is bollocks’ emblazoned across the front in pink and yellow, Sex-pistols style…

I laughed out loud.

Brother wanted to see.

Brother took card, looked at it and chuckled loudly.

As with everything he decided to let our terrier in on the joke.

He bent to our dog and showed him the ‘bollocks’ card exclaiming loudly;

‘The dog thinks it it nuts!!!’


Brother with bollocks


(sorry about the crappy camera quality)


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