Eating disorders, Lol cats and North Wales

I can’t believe how sneaky eating disorders can be..and so utterly stupid, 

so much so I dictated a Google image search to it; 

For my ED

Recently I have been gravitating to Inspriational Recovery Blogs such as Nicole and Gwedolyn, the ex bulimic and Recovery Inspirings Blog. I have been trying to think more positively – I had the pain enough under control today to walk BigDog. I live in a beautiful place and I attempted to actually see my surroundings, soaking up the gorgeous countryside rather than attend to my usual mantra of ‘fat,fat,fat,fat’ and soley using walking as a way to burn calories…this is what my ED makes me ignore – 

To be perfectly and utterly honest I couldn’t quite shake the numbers, weights and calcuations that were spinnig around my head, but I really did enjoy the surrounding area much more than normal. I did walk a little too far and have spent most of the day feeling sorry for myself attempting to push the pain level down from a horrible 8 to a more breathable 7. It hasn’t worked too well and my Ed has taken full opportunity of my mood and neatly tied it in with my attempt to claw my way from it’s grip…

Ed: Hi! Idrawlikenick..you are useless you know that? You didn’t even manage to be productive after that slow, pathetic walk this afternoon…you have just been sitting around on the sofa like a fat slug..

the thing about Ed’s is they manage to turn anything around into hard, pointy, painful spikey words…

Ed: ‘and you have been looking at recovery stories?! Ha! You’ll never be as good as those other people who have sorted out thier life, you are fat, stupid, lazy and boring..pain? ha, pain!? It is just a stupid excuse not to go out inot the world and do something meaningful..

Then the really, really smart bit..(please note the sarcasm) 

Ed: You are not even thin enough to have an eating disorder, why do you not just BINGE? You might as welll, you are not good for anything else. 

Er, yeah…because eating the kitchen of leftovers and Nutella is REALLY going to make me feel better. I am such an all or nothing person. I read about recovery and in my head I decide it is logical to just go binge, because I want to be able to eat normally so I may as well eat everything.

Reality check to idrawlikenick..binges are not part of normal eating..nor is restriction. I am not going to change overnight. I am not oging to wake up better. I am going to have to work for this and it is going to be a long, hard process. 

This inside of my head is ‘Fat, fat,fat, binge, pathetic, useless, binge, binge, binge, binge binnnnnnnnge BINGE’ 

Well, I am not giving in. Peanut butter, nutella and cold lasange, while tasty…do not go together and are not 10 o clock in the evening foods. It is not going to happen. 

Instead I am going to make myself a cup of tea and smoke (the one addiction I am not trying to fight, because If I am fighting everything else I think I should allow myself one socially unacceptable habit). I am going to find something to watch on the tellybox that does not involve weight or clothes sizes. 

I will recover..but I am not going to let my Ed tell me that binge eating is the way to conquer anorexia.

On a similar note (and please take this into account if you think eating disorders are ‘cool’ or ‘sexy’ or just a way to ‘drop 10lbs fast’)I was reading a crime thriller on my Kinsdle last night and It happened to mention the weight and height of the protaginist. This had no real bearing on the plot..which was about serial killers and stalkers and overal a very poorly written peice of crime fiction..but my thoughts got hooked on the damn weight of the fictional character and I spent the entire book feeling bad because I ‘wasn’t as thin as her’. A new low from my life with an eating disorder. Maybe it sounds like a small thing – but when you cannot even use fiction books to escape it is a fairly low moment. 

Eating Disorders are funny sad, not funny ha ha..but I still like things that make me smile..

 

Tomorrow I am going to attempt three things: 

1) Walk BigDog and look at pretty trees & hills, not think about calories. 
2) Take knitting needles, wool and all mindpower I can muster and attempt to do more than just throw them out the window…
3) Spend time looking at Lolcats and happy things not just porning on Come Dine With Me recipes website….

and  this evening I vow I shall not binge. No, no, no, no,no.  

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  1. #1 by Snaffle on January 15, 2012 - 1:20 am

    Woooow, you live in such a beautiful place! Good on you for trying to notice it more 🙂 and for your determination not to binge – the Ed might be stupid, but *you* are smart and strong. ❤

    • #2 by idrawlikenick on January 15, 2012 - 12:08 pm

      Thank you snaff, lovely place isn’t it? I do not feel very smart of strong but I shall bear that compliment in mind..thanks sweet 🙂

  2. #3 by the dandelion girl on January 15, 2012 - 2:43 am

    When I was in therapy we were urged to create “Self Care boxes” which I would HIGHLY recommend to you… I mentioned it when I used to blog over at Recovering Inspirings (I actually created it, but left a month or so ago)

    It sounds like you’re like me in that you have to think about what you’re going to do and such… I know when I get an urge it’s REALLY hard to come up with distractions or (in terms of DBT) distress tolerance techniques… so a self care box works… you create it when you’re not having an urge to serve you when you do.

    wow I sound like an infomercial…

    • #4 by idrawlikenick on January 15, 2012 - 12:07 pm

      Thank you dandelion girl 🙂 That is a good idea and something I could/should maybe devote my time to doing this week…When I was actively doing DBT it was something I engaged with and was fairly good at..but without the constant guidance and encouragement from the DBT skill therapists I seem to have flaked off a little. Thank you for sounding like an infomercial, it is helpful 🙂 I’ll have another look through Recovery Insiprings, I like that blog a lot and find lots I can realte to. I have been meaning to add you too my blogroll, so shall do that today, thank you.

  3. #5 by nicole the exbulimic on January 15, 2012 - 9:58 am

    thank you for posting this roughly honest entry. not only have you inspired me to travel into the city today today, photographing my smooshie mouthed princess around town (somewhere that we normally don’t go because we hate this city but it truly is quite beautiful), but you have caused me to feel happy that my blog might actually be doing some good. i’m adding you to my blog roll and intended to do so earlier this week. i apologise for forgetting! by the way, gorgeous photographs. x

    • #6 by idrawlikenick on January 15, 2012 - 12:09 pm

      Thank you 🙂 I am glad I have inspired you, good luck with the photos! I need to add you also, i have some updating to do. Cheers for reading.

      • #7 by nicole the exbulimic on January 16, 2012 - 10:24 am

        i owe you an email, and i’m so behind. it will be a few more days. i am so sorry! please don’t lose faith in my ability to respond. ❤

  4. #8 by Writing Jobs on January 15, 2012 - 5:57 pm

    This was a very nice post. I enjoyed reading your blog today very much.

    Love to write?

    Check out these Writing Jobs

  5. #9 by Snaffle on January 20, 2012 - 1:31 pm

    I think I might be reading the same book you were… the protagonist is literally less than half my size and now every time her name appears my brain reads the words “better-than-you”. Boooo to stupid ed 😦

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