I can’t believe how sneaky eating disorders can be..and so utterly stupid,
so much so I dictated a Google image search to it;
Recently I have been gravitating to Inspriational Recovery Blogs such as Nicole and Gwedolyn, the ex bulimic and Recovery Inspirings Blog. I have been trying to think more positively – I had the pain enough under control today to walk BigDog. I live in a beautiful place and I attempted to actually see my surroundings, soaking up the gorgeous countryside rather than attend to my usual mantra of ‘fat,fat,fat,fat’ and soley using walking as a way to burn calories…this is what my ED makes me ignore –
To be perfectly and utterly honest I couldn’t quite shake the numbers, weights and calcuations that were spinnig around my head, but I really did enjoy the surrounding area much more than normal. I did walk a little too far and have spent most of the day feeling sorry for myself attempting to push the pain level down from a horrible 8 to a more breathable 7. It hasn’t worked too well and my Ed has taken full opportunity of my mood and neatly tied it in with my attempt to claw my way from it’s grip…
Ed: Hi! Idrawlikenick..you are useless you know that? You didn’t even manage to be productive after that slow, pathetic walk this afternoon…you have just been sitting around on the sofa like a fat slug..
the thing about Ed’s is they manage to turn anything around into hard, pointy, painful spikey words…
Ed: ‘and you have been looking at recovery stories?! Ha! You’ll never be as good as those other people who have sorted out thier life, you are fat, stupid, lazy and boring..pain? ha, pain!? It is just a stupid excuse not to go out inot the world and do something meaningful..
Then the really, really smart bit..(please note the sarcasm)
Ed: You are not even thin enough to have an eating disorder, why do you not just BINGE? You might as welll, you are not good for anything else.
Er, yeah…because eating the kitchen of leftovers and Nutella is REALLY going to make me feel better. I am such an all or nothing person. I read about recovery and in my head I decide it is logical to just go binge, because I want to be able to eat normally so I may as well eat everything.
Reality check to idrawlikenick..binges are not part of normal eating..nor is restriction. I am not going to change overnight. I am not oging to wake up better. I am going to have to work for this and it is going to be a long, hard process.
This inside of my head is ‘Fat, fat,fat, binge, pathetic, useless, binge, binge, binge, binge binnnnnnnnge BINGE’
Well, I am not giving in. Peanut butter, nutella and cold lasange, while tasty…do not go together and are not 10 o clock in the evening foods. It is not going to happen.
Instead I am going to make myself a cup of tea and smoke (the one addiction I am not trying to fight, because If I am fighting everything else I think I should allow myself one socially unacceptable habit). I am going to find something to watch on the tellybox that does not involve weight or clothes sizes.
I will recover..but I am not going to let my Ed tell me that binge eating is the way to conquer anorexia.
On a similar note (and please take this into account if you think eating disorders are ‘cool’ or ‘sexy’ or just a way to ‘drop 10lbs fast’)I was reading a crime thriller on my Kinsdle last night and It happened to mention the weight and height of the protaginist. This had no real bearing on the plot..which was about serial killers and stalkers and overal a very poorly written peice of crime fiction..but my thoughts got hooked on the damn weight of the fictional character and I spent the entire book feeling bad because I ‘wasn’t as thin as her’. A new low from my life with an eating disorder. Maybe it sounds like a small thing – but when you cannot even use fiction books to escape it is a fairly low moment.
Eating Disorders are funny sad, not funny ha ha..but I still like things that make me smile..
Tomorrow I am going to attempt three things:
1) Walk BigDog and look at pretty trees & hills, not think about calories.
2) Take knitting needles, wool and all mindpower I can muster and attempt to do more than just throw them out the window…
3) Spend time looking at Lolcats and happy things not just porning on Come Dine With Me recipes website….
and this evening I vow I shall not binge. No, no, no, no,no.