Meet Simon, a prize tosser..(Fighting back against Eating Disorders)

Do you remeber playing Simon says as a child?

I didn’t win many friends when playing  because I can’t follow instructions. Or I won’t.

If a school- mate said ‘Simon says stand on one foot’ I’d immediately begin doing frenzied star jumps because I so desperation wanted to be different and stand out from the crowd. I was a annoying child.

In school reports I was often described as having ‘a great deal of willpower’ and ‘knowing my own mind’ which I think is politically correct teacher speak for ‘irritating shitty child’. (I now have this confirmed by my Sister who is a primary teacher in a inner city school).

At some point I changed. I begun listening too and following one voice that told me what to do. I did everything it siad and bowed to its will.

In my life Simon now says a lot of things..

Simon says I shouldn’t take 4 sugars in my tea.

Simon says I shouldn’t replace said sugar with sweetener because may make me grow seven limbs and ten eyes.

Simon says I shouldn’t eat fats or salt or..food

Simon says I should be a slave to calories

Simon says I should worry constantly about the scale, and use a number to define

Simon says I should be miserable and have no social life.

Simon says I should inflict harm to myself and try to extinguish my life.

At some point a childhood abilty to NOT do what was asked of me altered to an utter dedication to the eating disroder voice in my mind.

Simon is my eating disorder and Simon is a tosser.

I miss the child in me that was free, that was able to break away from the rules and regulations, that had an opinion and had people make opinions about her. No-one forms many opinions about me anymore, I have become defined by boxes, tick boxes, diagnostic labels. I do not know many people outside of Therapists anymore and they do not see me as anything more than a personified label.

I miss childhood games..

 

I know lots of people have a Simon in thier life.

He takes on many forms..Eating disorders,OCD, self harm, depression, pain, illness – any life event at all that drags you down and whispers things you do not want to hear in your ear.

I hope you can break free of Simon, kick him down and become a contrary child who star jumps when they are told to sit down and write sums.

[The caption that came into my head when I saw this was ‘don’t be a muttet, you are not his puppet! *snorts* maybe I should write for Hallmark..]

For me, part of loosing Simon, of kicking him down and shrugging him off, is to let myself do things I fear. Which is difficult, because I am scared of nearly everything..even dumb stuff like the remote possibility of the kettle exploding when I put it on to boil (it sounds as if it is in pain..) and the washing machine blowing up the house (boyfriend has done all my washing for the past four years, my phobia has actually paid off in that respect..)

One massive thing is my fear of succeeding.

During my Undergrad degree I was a mess. A massive mess. So much of a mess i ended up having a huge breakdown at the end of the year and notched up more stays in the emergency Psych ward than I care to recall. I would cry, publicly and snottily everytime I had to hand in an essay due to the fear it would be lost in the system or that there was last minute mistakes they would lose me a grade. Usually, I would do well..and usually the relief of getting a good mark would once more cause me to burst into inconsolable tears in the department corridor..oh, the tutors were confused (‘but you did well! who on earth are you sobbing!!??’)

Before I even begun my GSCEs I have wanted to take my academia to the next level and do not just a BA but an MA..

Simon said no.

Today I am saying

Screw You Simon 

You utter tool!

 

*snort* > screw, nail, tool…sex jokes *snorts*

But yes. Today I have begun to fill out my application to begin an MA in September.

My eating disorder wants me to stay rooted in this place, this place where going backwards is seductive because it is known, because there is comfort in suffering. Because I am scared.

I kept on thinking ‘when I am better I will continue learning’ ‘when I am better I will do what I want to do’ ‘when I am better I will have a life’

A realization came and slapped me in the face today, and it left a mark.

It was the knowladge that I need to work to get better. I need to move forwards..as a horribly humliating motivational work confrence once told me way back when I worked in retail

‘I need to be the change’

This sort of thing makes me want to vom in protest, but it is true

Me going back to learn stuff isn’t going to change the world, it isn’t going to have a profund effect on human suffering..but hopefully it will set things in motion so that I can be who I want to be and do what I want to in life..

I am firing my Simon.

Because he is boring, and eating disorders, self harm, depression..all this shit, it is all the same. I read so much stuff online from other people with the same, or similar, issues and they may as well be me typing..becuase eating disorder thoughts are not special or orginal. It is boring. It is misguided. It only leads to pain.

An Eating Disorder does not make you special

 

Please kick me if I try to give up.

And let me know if you have any Simon’s and how you are going to kick him in the face.

 

 

 

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  1. #1 by Snaffle on January 22, 2012 - 4:29 pm

    MEGA LOVE this post ❤ (and its author, obvs) xxxx

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