When I first woke up, nigh on three years ago, in massive amounts of pain and an inabilty to walk I was miserable.
This is not, in itself, surprising. In fact I’d say my reaction was reasonable and understandable.
Fast forward three years, a huge amount of day time TV and hospital tests I am still miserable.
to be honest, I do think this may be bullshit. If it hurts, it hurts…and It will continue hurting if you smile..BUT doing stuff and getting things done and finding interests you can do, even though it really, really hurts is important because it gives you a sense of achievement. It makes you feel like more of a human than someone who lust watches Jeremy kyle and Location, location, location all day.
Recently, I got to the point where I had seen ALL of the episodes of QI ever broadcast..that wasn’t in itself, enough to make me change my ways..but changing to re-runs of ‘Come Dine With Me’ really was..
I can’t walk far, or fast. I can’t train for a marathon. I can’t campagin for world peace..but I CAN do more than I thought.
I have always been kind of creative..although my general outlook that ‘I am shit at everything & nothing will ever be good enough’ view has put paid to a lot of creative activity. Recently I have been trying to find small things that I can do..while I am waiting for painkillers to kick in..or in that glorious two hour period in a day when all the medications are at maxiumum effects and my pain level is a a 7 rather than a 10.
The foolowing picture is reblogged from this AMAZING BLOG, Hyperboleandahalf. I couldn’t find any other image that summed up what I meant…seriously, read this blog!
So..today i took some photos of some ‘stuff’ I have been doing to deal with the pain in the hope it may give some ideas and inspiration for others. Also I am a show off..and like being ‘look at me!! validate the stuff I did so I feel worthwhile!!’ (which is the whole reason I started a blog in the first place..but isn’t that true for everyone?)
As you all know..I have been Knitting!!!!
This is hard when it really, really, really hurts because my fingers do not like working, but when it just really hurts it is a good distraction..and stops other things like silly ‘I want to hurt myself’ thoughts..or ‘I am never going to eat again..aside from all that cake..’
Sorry about all the smoking stuff…I would have moved it out the way, but ‘yknow..I couldn’t be bothered..
Still, behold!!! The first few squares of my Amazing Blanket. Knitting is teaching me it is okay not to be perfect, mistakes happen and It sort of adds to the overall aesthetic. I am happy with it thus far, imperfections included. And so damn proud that I can pearl as well as just the normal, bog standered stitch!!
Here is it close up so you can admire my skills some more;
It feels a bit weird and uncomfortable to be showing you my knitting inperfections all up close and personal. It is akin to the time that my really-strange-socially-screwed housemate B, in third year accidently saw my boobs. (I wasn’t walking around nakey..not this time, I had the horrible experience when you take off a jumoer and the top came too…)
He should have reacted by going ‘eh, it is okay, I didn’t look..’ when I apoligised profusley for flashing my odd boobies at him..but no, not B..what he said was
‘meh, no worries, they are regular, I have seen worse’..okay WTF!!???
Okay. So. that was a detour while I deal with a flashback *cough*..on to the colouring book – I have always enjoyed colouring. I am a bit too self conscious to draw ‘properly’ because I am so worried about it looking shit. I know that seems at odds with the MSpaint i create on here..but one picture takes me about two hours to post and I am never really that happy with them.
So, I ordered a grown up colouring book from Amazon and I created some rules for myslef;
1) I do not have to finish it
2) It doesn’t matter if I go over the lines
3) It is alright if it looks a bit shitty
and..you know what? It really helps. It totally takes my mind off everything and is relaxing. It makes the ‘vile time when you are waiting for painkillers to kick in’ a whole lot faster.
My last current craft project is..sticking stuff to paper and doodling.
Yeah. The orginal inspiration was rahter more grand. I wanted to make one of these..
Because it is really pretty and looks like a good conversation peice;
so what did you do today?
Man in suit – ‘ah, well I worked towards curing cancer’
Woman in Ballgown with gloves – ‘I named a new star and discovered life on a planet you didn’t learn about in primary school…what about you?’
(both of the impressive adults at this imagianry cocktail party look at me in a scary manner)
me – ‘ah, well, I, ah, suck tiles onto a birdbath and made it look dead pretty, I never thought I was able to achieve such straight lines!’
(posh man and woman with ballgown gloves walk away to talk about worthy causes)
Ironically, thanks to my termor I can’t stick stuff on in straight lines..but I aim to get there. Real tiles and a birdbath are a distant dream…
but here is what I do instead;
I find this really calming..especially if you cut all the squares out when you feel good..just smearing a shitload of glue on the page and placing the squares on is pleasing.
I feel much better about myself if I can list real stuff I did each day that is not just ‘lay in bed then on sofa’ and ‘looked at silly memes on net’
Somedays it is an achievement to even lie on the sofa. Sometimes it is too much to watch TV because the noise and flashing images physically hurt. Sometimes I cannot even hold a pen or a pencil because it is too heavy..but on the days I can I am trying to do small tasks, more than just smoking all day and wishing I was better.
Ever read ‘what Katy did?’ and ‘What Katy did next’..I sort of feel like she did when she fell of that swing..although for her it was sort of a religious realizations (yeah, you caught me I cannot spell ephianny..ehianfanny..epathigybtyyyy) and I am not so much religious..but yeah..good books..that and Nacy Drew pretty much sums up my childhood.
I hope you have enjoyed looking at pictures off stuff I do not do perfectly.
I am going to end with a greeting from EvilCat