Posts Tagged Hospital
I am imagining my poor neglected blog hudled in a corner – looking up at me with BPD style ‘HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME?!’ eyes. I am accused. I am guilty.
I went mad. That does not usually stop me wiritng but it did this time. I think I feel uninteresting. My life drips along. Things happen. I knit. I sit. I stare. I smoke. That is it. But…post-going-mad-and-ending-up-stroking-owls-in-a-psych-hopsital (there really were real life owls) I realised I missed my silly little blog, so I have come back, tail between my legs and rattling with good intentions to Post Every Day. (It won’t happen, but they say it is the thought that counts, right? Does that gets out clause of life work in this situation too?)
This little one was my favorite. There was also a classic ‘Harry Potter Owl’ (obvs a better, more understandable nickname than the actual name-of-breed which I seem to have forgotten) and a massive Eagle Owl. So that was fun..not that I would put myself in hospital just to poke an owl, but it was an added bonus. I also got to make stuff from clay (a very wobbly 5-years-olds-can-do-better filter tip pot).
Where was I going with this?
Ah. yes. I have ultimately decided it is okay to Blog even if I do feel as If my life lacks achievment, worth, and anything remotely interesting…mostly because I feel all that is a Naughty Lie told my Depression Head and causes me to isolate myself more until things get to the pre-hospital stage where I am incapable of talking/moving/thinking because everything just feels so fucking worthless.
I am still doing all the crafty things. Phone cases still being my specialism. I still think it is one of the best ‘recovery tools’ I have stumbled across, it keeps my hands busy (important as I am a terrible skin picker, and when anxious I get crazy hand tics that only serve to make me look more crazy which = people staring which = more axiety. An evil spiral. So I have been known to knit while walking..really.) I have also disocvered card making, which I enjoy because it swallows up whole chunks of day in one big crafty lump..but I do not yet feel my efforts are worhty of blog photos. but, when I can afford it (emblellishments are an expensive little habbit) I endevour to become amazing so I can show off my skills to Blog Land. Yeah! Bet you are so damn excited now too. *rolls eyes*
Anyway, I recently made my friend a phone case..I learnt how to knit with alternating colours, and bought a big mutli packet of buttons..the two sort of got lumped together in my glee of having new things to play with. This is the result:
this is my most recent one, for a friend. I know the buttons are sort of wonky. I was having a minor (major) panic attack and button-sewing as distraction. Am hoping she will think it looks ‘quirky and handmade’ rather than ‘shit’. If you know me IRL..or sort of IRL..like..Good Place Friends (you know how you are) feel free to give me and order for colours/style/dimensions and I will happily knit you a case and send it your way. As the people who I keep ringing to buy houses from keep reminding me, it is not like I have a job!
Yes. I am house shopping. Although, I am still a bit disillusioned to find it is so much more stressful than nipping to Tesco’s for doughnuts. It IS a Good Exciting Positive Thing..but it also makes e want to tear my hair out. I have lived in many places…I think i have moved about 7 times since fleeing my parents abode at 17, but they were all tempoary places to sleep at, not really Houses To Live In so it did not matter that they were mouldy shitholes. Now it does and i feel far too grown up for my liking.
We are also looking to buy our own furniture. Buy it! Which also feels Old And Wise as i have always, always managed to find furnished housing that the past. The idea of a blank slate appeals though, partly because I can choose the ugly furniture rather than having it forced on me, and because the metaphor is a nice one. I feel like I am nesting. Me, the Boy and the cat we are going to re-home (even if boy is not yet aware of this.) So, furniture is expensive, everyone knows that..but this is the first time I have even internet-window-shopped for things like shelves. I found an amazing second hand recycled furniture place, that sells perfectly good ‘preloved’ stuff very cheaply. Am literally itching to go there. Asdie from craft shops I can’t really think of a more appealing day trip. (and I do realize that says far more about me than it should!)
On the notes of ‘objects that tell you too much about my personality’ I also seem to have developed an object-crush on wrapping paper.
Seriously. As well as constantly Googling Houses, Stuff to put in house, Stuff to put in house that I will never ever afford, ever and doughnuts I am also addicted to posh fancy wrapping paper. I love it. Possibly more than the thrill of wondering what is inside. I need to send a gift soon & I begun the supposedly simple task of shopping for some gift wrap (online of course, the internet is the social phobics bestest friend) and, I can’t do it. I can’t buy any because I simply want ALL of it. I tried to choose some last night (aka 4 am this morning >.<) and my ‘basket’ came to a total of £20. *jaw drop* I am very worried a similar thing will occur when I actually arrive at shop for house things. Every room will be burting with chairs. There will be nothing by chairs and sofa’s.
Easter. That happened too. I dislike the huuuuge amount of Eating-Diosrder panic that ensues when chocolate is around..but, I did get to wear my bunny ears (which I will happily admit, I have worn in public more than once, and to sevral seminars during my undergrad degree).
Despite apperances I am not actually posing in that photo! I was watching the dog and had no idea that Boy has stolen my camera!
I have run out of words. Which is probably a good thing. But i will be back, hopefully a lot sooner than the last time.
See what I did there? it needs this soundtrack..
I have done lots of things with my hair since I was about 13 and first developed a shaky sense of ‘identity’. I thought I’d post a sort of time journal of different styles I have had from then to now..although not all of my ‘efforts’ are in picture form.
My one and only NY resoultion this year is to NOT CUT MY HAIR OFF and especially NOT shave it off again, I am done with that look! The idea behind it all rests on the fact I want long hair for my wedding. As you know I only just got engaged and It was more of an ‘I am not going anywhere and want to spend lots of money on you’ statement from Boyfriend than an ‘and we shall have a wedding soon’ type think. We are vaugely planning to set a date for the year after next, 2014..but we are not sure and very open to waiting until we have our own home and stable jobs..still, i think it is never too early to start growing my hair..and I hope it’ll be long girly hair by the end of this year. If I am dedicated to this cause I hope to post a ‘hair progress’ photo every few months, but for now – here, are my hair files.
In this first one I think I may have been about 14 or fifteen, I do not remember my exact age, but I remember the hair. It, at the time, was daring. I wanted something a bit ‘alternative’ but was scared of looking overly boyish. I settled for this ^ and dyed it black..my hair remained black for many years to come. I liked this look and became known around school for having short hair and being a tad pixieish, I cannot believe I was so young!
It grew out to this
which I didn’t like much, this photo was taken just before a school prom, although I cannot recall which one, I know I was uncomfortable with looking so ‘girly’ and soon after I took the scissors to my hair..all my myself..a scary and silly thing to do..
Still with the black hair obession going on it morphed into some kind of ‘it is grown over my eyes’ look, although I was proud because ‘I did it myself’. I remember this photo. It was taken in my room while I was IP for my ED..where I stayed for just above 6 months re-feeding and trying to battle all the stupid emotional stuff I had going on [and still do have]. Looking back, this photo makes me sad..I did try hard, and I thought I looked so ugly and fat..you cannot see them as i cropped them out but I was sitting in my room with school friends at this time. What upsets me is my obvious body language – I was sitting with them but was slightly apart, pulling myself away from the ‘group photo’. I wish I could go back to that younger me and give her a hug..i’d also say – for kitchen scissors, that hair doesn’t look too bad….
While I was still in hospital I took some time out to go to Spain with some friends..I was going through the ‘hairband’ phase. (I know you can see scars in this photo, I fell asleep in the sun on the first day and the burn made them look a lot worse).
I wasn’t a fan of Spain, can you tell? I pretty much just counted the time until it got dark again and drank myself silly..at this time I was really struggling with keep my weight up and was dealing with it by drinking too much and self harming. It was a hard holiday, I loved my friends but really wasn’t in the emotional space to spend two consecutive weeks with them.
When I got out the hopsital I went to get a job. I worked for Orange phone comapany. I liked it there but I wasn’t happy, i was still very messed up..and I took the scissors to my fringe. Again..
This photo was put on the work notice board and I did not live that stupid, wonky cut fringe down..I am slightly worried that Boyfriend is going to want to read this post and laugh at me some more..
Oxford, where I was working at living at the time was wild. I drank a lot and went out to much and did stupid, stupid things to my hair..
Yes, not a good look eh? To be honest the horrible quality of the camera doesn’t change much..it would still look terrible in awesome-focus. The hat was a bad idea too. The very first time I played the bleach-my-hair game I was renting a room so small I could touch the door from my bed. I was renting it from a couple with a young baby at a far too expensive price, they were not very impressed when I accidentally left the bleach kit in their bathroom, in reach of the small, fat faced baby. I moved out very soon after into a attic room in a nine bedroom shared house, the photo above is from that time. I lived with a lot of polish men..I was at least six years younger than all of them and they treated me like their rebellious little sister..feeding me vodka and free spliffs.
Oh, and I happen to have a really good close-up for bleach damaged hair….don’t do it kids!
Next there was University, where I let my hair grow again and experimented with pink..
Every one seem to like this but, predictably I got bored pretty quickly. It felt like summer hair to me..I think it looked good when the sun brought out all my freckles but by Halloween and felt pasty and in need of a cut..
That is gorgeous Boyfriend next to me by the way, he has always been good at dressing up. (his hair changes a lot during the next few photos also..which may say a bit about our relationship).
I have always fancied shaving my hair off altogether.
I did eventually do it..
I thought the flower looked good..lets see it from another angle..
i think you can tell from the face I had had far too much to drink..I was also pretty unwell in this photo, in both a physical and mental sense. I went into the loo with a gimpy limp, as my legs were killing me and was actually asked by two (drunken) strangers if i was having chemo for cancer! I was really shocked..
Of course, it grew back…I did yet another stint of ‘au natural’..and this is actually my natural colour! This was a picture of me just before my graduation ball..I remember feeling hugely fat (ah, and with time the evidence shows another lie from ED) but loving my hair..a lot
oh, how I love that dress!!
However, despite promising my Mother i’d never shave all my hair off again i soon got ‘the itch’…Boyfriend helped with this when he found me bawling my eyes out in the bathroom of OldLittleFlat hacking at my hair with his face-fluff clippers..(again, big awwwwh, isn’t he cute for the Boyfriend in this picture.)
Thanks to the Boyfriend this style was actually done with a small amount of skill..although again, for some reason i think it is more a cut suited to ‘summer time freckles’.
We were actually at a Garden center when i took this photo and It happens to now be one of my favorites of me and Boy. Despite spending ages looking at very boring plants we had a lovely day that day (I am destined to never be green fingered.)
That is, i think, pretty much chronicalogical..and brings me up to today.
This was taken approximately 2.345 seconds ago for the purpose of this post..i know I can look nicer if i bother with make -up and all that, but it is a Sunday afternoon, my Tramadol is wearing off and I am tired. Thus, here is my January I-want-to-grow-it-long hair photo…
I realize you can now all see that a) I am posting from the comfort of my bed, which is a tad embarrassing and b) that I have a habit of looking ‘over’ my glasses when I point the camera at myself..I do need them! Honest!
Until the next hair installement..this concludes my Hair Files.